I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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