While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
Randomize
