well I can't set my house on fire every night
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
