he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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