dude i'm inner monologue high
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
NoShamevember. You game?
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
