the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize