I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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