When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
