Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
My cat gives me a boner
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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