I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
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