when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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