We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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