I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
