just survived the first fart of the relationship.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
