Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Randomize
