I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
