Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
