Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
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