why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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