i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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