my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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