I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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