omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
