I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
