If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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