Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
