Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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