Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
