How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
