we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Randomize
