she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
