my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Randomize
