She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Randomize