they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
