At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
