Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Randomize
