Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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