Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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