when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Randomize
