Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Randomize
