I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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