Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
