i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
