the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
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