got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
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