Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
