you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
