Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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