"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
