I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize