theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Randomize
