why didn't you poke me back
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Randomize
