While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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