I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
