I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
where are you?
Hypothermia
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Randomize
