I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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