I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
