You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
