the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize