one word: firstdatebathroomanal
apparently the secret to your success is patron
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Randomize
