why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
