literally had 100 drinks last night.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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