dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
