I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Randomize
