I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
