I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
