this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
