I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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